Angela Gargano (00:00)
people aren't stuck because they can't do the thing. They're stuck because too much of their focus is going towards watching what everyone else is doing and not enough excuses going towards and showing up for their own work.
comparison doesn't build anything. It's not gonna build anything for you. Is it necessary, does it help you? Yeah, it can fire you up and comparison is good. But the only thing that's gonna move you forward is execution. If you're not executing, you're out, you're out of the game. You're out of the game. And I want you to stay in it
Welcome back to What If It All Goes Right? I'm your host, Angela Gargano, and today I want to talk about something that I've been seeing come up a lot. Like, a lot. And I've seen it in our community, I've seen it in my own life, and honestly, after over a decade of coaching, I've watched it quietly derail people who had every single thing they needed to succeed. We're talking about comparison.
And I know you probably heard some version of stop comparing yourself a hundred times. So I'm not gonna just say that because honestly it's not helpful. What I actually wanna do today is get into what's really happening when that comparison happens. Why is it so sticky? And then I'm gonna walk you through some tools that I've used, not stuff from a book or stuff that you've seen before, but things I've actually journaled and walked other people that I've coached through.
And I'm gonna share some pretty personal stuff today, stuff that I haven't talked about in over a decade, stuff that I don't share a ton. So this way you can get a sense of where I've seen this come up in my life. But before we jump in, if you've been listening to this podcast and it's been resonated, please hit subscribe on Apple Podcasts or Spotify so you don't miss an episode. And if you have 60 seconds to leave a rating or review, please do, please. It genuinely helps.
more people find the show and help them. All right, let's get into it. So the first thing what I wanna say is comparison isn't automatically bad, right? It gets a bad rap. I think sometime we're taught to treat it like this. We're trying to start to treat it like a bad thing. And it's actually not the full picture, right? Because there's a version of comparison that kind of moves you, it fuels you.
You see someone doing something incredible, someone who figured it out, the thing that you're trying to figure out. And instead of feeling crushed or like it's never gonna happen, something in you goes, wait, okay, if she did it or he did it, maybe I could actually do it too. And that's true. That version exists and it's actually very, very useful. And I think it drives a lot of people. I think you should always have somebody that you were looking up to who's ahead of you, who you can compare yourself to so you can reach for that higher thing and reach for the growth, right?
And maybe you're somebody that somebody actually feels that way about, even if you don't feel that at all. Maybe some of the people are looking up to you. There's also that other version, right? The one that feels more like this like spiral where you see someone getting somewhere you want to be and instead of feeling pulled towards something, you feel like somehow it confirms a fear you already had. because they got there, that is evidence that you won't get there. Like you're too late or something. Like they did it, now I can't do it. Or it's too late.
or I don't have all the stuff that they have, so I'm never gonna be able to do this. And that is the one I wanna talk about today because that version doesn't just feel bad. It actually stops you from moving. It actually can paralyze a lot of people from doing anything. And I don't want that for you. I want you to keep moving. I want you to succeed. So we get to the heart of this and the root of this right now and start to realize that yes, comparison is completely normal. It's not something that is not normal. The most successful people have comparison. It's just how you allow it to fuel you and understanding where it comes from.
So again, I'm not saying that comparison is the enemy that any means. I'm saying it matters a lot which direction it is pulling you. And most of us don't stop long enough to even notice which direction that is. So this becomes that practice of understanding yourself, taking a pause for a second, right, and asking yourself some of these deeper questions. So I wanna share something super personal because I think it's going to...
land differently than anything I could say here. And this is something I haven't talked about in a really, really long time. Actually, I don't even know if I've talked about it at all, but one of the things is when I was growing up, I wanted to do gymnastics, right? Pretty much more than anything, I was obsessed with gymnastics. But my parents, they couldn't afford to put me in the full five day a week program, the expensive everything program that a lot of other girls were in that were getting them to the Olympics or the next level. And I don't think it was even, it might have been like,
a mix of expenses and a mix of like they were also worried that I was gonna like take over my entire life. So I totally understand that. So I was in this program that was a three day a week version. like lesser hours, less money. And my goal, actually I don't, at first I honestly don't even think I had a goal. At first I was like, okay, well guess I'm just gonna do gymnastics. I love it. I can't get to the Olympics. So like where can I actually go? And then,
I had a coach, Miguel, who super, like he believed in me. Like he believed in me so much and deeper than I believed in myself. Like I would say, I just want to get a double back off the bar or whatever. And he would say, how about go bigger? Like let's do that. Like he'd always take me to that next level and have me see this higher version of myself. So I had this belief from this coach, which was amazing. And again, I didn't think anything was gonna be even realistic for me, but he had pushed me. said, what about like college gymnastics?
Something that I didn't honestly again think was realistic for me at all because I wasn't really working, I wasn't really doing I think what was required in my head to get to an elite college collegiate level team. So he looked at the situation, he's like I think we can still do this three days a week and we're gonna make it work. And he, I went completely all in on that. He went all in on me, I went all in on whatever it is that he was doing to support me in order to make that
And that was me. Like I was in my lane. My head was like, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this thing. And realistically, family life again, I don't talk about family life on here and I won't, but it's a little crazy at home, a little crazy at home, which as all, I think all Italian families like are okay. Um, and I really use that space to like, that was the goal I had was to like get on this college team, as a team, focus on whatever it is that the coach said. And that like space that I was in between the four walls of the gymnastics gym was such a safe place for me.
And it felt really hard. So I was just really focused on me, myself, my body, and exactly what the coach was telling me to do in order to get where I wanted to be. Hello.
Now there's another girl on that same three a day week team, right? Same program, she had the same resources and honestly the same level. Like she was so talented, truly. And we really could have been in this together. But what ended up happening was that she spent most of her time and energy watching what I was doing. Getting mad that the coach was like me to do certain skills or move to the next level. Tracking my progress. Getting in her head about why things...
to be clicking through me so much and not moving as fast for her. And maybe putting some of the blame on that he's giving me more attention, I'm getting more attention, or whatever it might be, right? And it makes me sad because I know how talented she was, but she spent so much time, she spent so much of her energy comparing herself to me and where I was going and what I was doing, right? Instead of putting the focus just strictly on herself.
And I still think about it, right? Because she genuinely is just as talented, truly. She had everything that she needed, but she lost so much of that to the comparison. Because that's where her focus was, that's where her energy was. And it kept pulling her out of her own work.
And the thing that gets me most about it though is that what she thought was happening in my life at the time, because again from the outside I think she probably looked like someone who had it all together, Showing up to practice, making progress, whatever. She had no idea what was actually going on. She had no idea that my home life was a little bit wild.
There's a lot of chaos, a lot of things happen, a lot of really hard stuff happening that nobody in the gym could see, right? And I'm sharing this because I think about it a lot when I'm coaching people who are comparing themselves to someone they see and they think they have it all figured out. But what only you're seeing is one moment. You're seeing someone who shows up. You're not seeing the whole story ever. You don't know where they started, how many times they fell apart before that, what they're going through at home.
And I'm not saying this to make this like a pity contest, right? I say because I think we forget how much we're filling in and creating these stories in our head. We see a win, we construct this whole narrative around it, and that narrative is usually missing about 90 % of what's actually happening, right? It's missing, again, how long were they in this war? Are they on chapter 10 and you're on chapter one?
Maybe in your head you're like, well they have more resources than me. They're just lucky. They're just this, da da. And while there might be some things that they might have had a little bit more resources for, whatever, we just do not know the whole story. And wasting your time comparing yourself, being mad about it, talking about it, is not getting you anywhere, right?
So go back to focusing on yourself.
And something that really helped me understand why this happens, why comparison is so sticky. It's actually a brain thing.
And it's actually something called the reticular activating system, which is a real neuroscience thing, right? A network of neurons in your brain stem that filters what information reaches your conscious mind. Now there's an example about the red car. Maybe you've heard about the red car theory before. I was trying to look about who actually created the red car theory before. But the red car example is if I told you right now to go look for a red car.
Since I told you that, your brain is obviously going to be wired to go look for more red cars, right? But before that, maybe you didn't even notice that there was a bunch of red cars in the lot, right?
And again, they were always there. You just were not scanning for them. Your brain filtered them out because you told it to, right? Just like you are for the comparison piece. And comparison does a version of that. Once you get into that why am I so far behind loop, your brain just keeps looking for evidence that is true. It's going to find evidence. It's gonna search for it and it will find it every day. More reasons.
you're slow, more reasons you're not enough, more proof. And it's not because it's not actually true, because that is what you handed your brain to look at. was like, hey brain, look at all the reasons why I suck, and why this person's ahead of me, and you're gonna find it. And I also wanna say that this is something I genuinely believe. Someone else winning doesn't mean you lose. And I know it sounds super simple, but I don't think we actually sit with that sometimes. There's genuinely room for all of us to win.
A win for someone else doesn't take anything off the table for you. If anything, it means it is possible and that is the information you can use if you wanna use it. If you wanna use it, if you decide to use that information.
it can propel you forward.
So it's retraining our brain, rewiring it, noting that hey, the comparison stuff is so real, it's true. You're allowed to have a second, and I say it in my keynotes all the time, feel whatever you need to feel about it. If you're annoyed, I feel like oh god, feel that second about it, and then let's freaking reverse it.
If it's something you genuinely wanna do, start to the focus back on you, less on all those other people. What can you do right now? So I wanna give you like genuine steps and things that you can do in order to like switch this comparison. And I wanna be very clear, like this does not happen overnight. I'm also gonna be doing some like actionable things you can like write down right now and like do. I wonder if I should bring a piece of paper over here. Maybe I will. We'll see. Okay, so first step of all of this, right, is honestly just noticing it and just listening to this podcast, you might now be noticing what you've been comparing yourself, okay?
And I want to go through exactly what you can do in order, like what to do when this comes up. So notice when it's happening, where does this show up for you? Is it when you're scrolling? Is it in a community where you can see other people's progress? I have a pull-up program that I've had for over a decade. You've got thousands of them in that community. There's women getting their pull-up on the regular. They are posting in there. And the amount of times I've had women message me and be like, I don't understand why she's getting it and I'm not getting it. And they become obsessive with the community instead of using it in a positive place, right?
Is it when someone you know hits something you've been working towards for a while, maybe you feel like they've hit it way quicker than you, or whatever it might be, and you're like, ah, so annoying. And genuine, I want you to think about it with no judgment, right? Catch it.
The most successful people I know have these thoughts too. They just decide what to do next and catching it is exactly, is actually a skill. they have these same exact thoughts too, they just don't allow themselves to linger it and stay in it, right? So once you catch it, so just pretend like you just caught that thought with your hand, like just grabbed it, right? I think it's worth asking, what am I actually feeling underneath this? Because comparison is usually sitting on top of something else.
Sometimes it's jealousy, sometimes it's discouragement, sometimes it's like quiet fear that might, maybe it won't happen for you. Whatever that is, try for a second to name it. Just sit with it for a second. And then this is the part that sounds a little woo, but I mean, it completely works. Just let yourself feel it for a second. Don't try to immediately reframe it or be strong or push through. Just like be annoyed about it. Be frustrated, be sad, be whatever.
Like I said, I say this in my Keto's all the time and I say it here. The faster you actually acknowledge what you're feeling, the faster you're gonna move through it.
What you resist tends to stick around. What you actually let land tends to actually move. Then once you've done that, it's worth asking yourself, is this not actually helping me move forward? Or is it just taking up space?
And there's this question I love and I can't remember who I first heard it from, but it goes like this. Who would you be if you did not have that thought?
Like what would you do with that energy instead? What would open up when it's not running in the background like a tab over and over and again in the back of your head like this computer right now, it's like on overdrive.
You've got better use of your time.
The second step is I want you to give your brain something else to look for. if the brain is going to keep hunting for evidence of whatever you're running on, one of the most practical things you can do is deliberately give it new evidence to find. We can use our brain and what it does to our advantage. And what has actually helped me and what I've had a lot of people do is in every night by writing down three things you did actually well today.
Three things, and I mean it when I say it, like make it genuinely small. It could be that you drank water, that you got your workout in even if you didn't really want to, that you stopped a negative thought a little faster than you did yesterday, that you asked for help instead of spinning out alone, whatever it might be, write it down. And you might be sitting here and be like, Angela, that's so dumb. It's not dumb, it works. And this isn't about being relentlessly positive. It's more like actively retraining what your brain scans for. It's like working out.
This is a muscle we need to use. And since you've been using your muscle in a different way, it's like as if you've been doing a squat wrong this entire time, and now you're trying to fix the form on it, and it kind of sucks at beginning, and it feels stupid doing some of the things you're doing. But you need to continue to train it, and then eventually you'll have the squat formed out, or whatever it might be. Because right now you are defaulting to scan for what's missing, right?
What's not done yet? Where are we behind? And you can interrupt that on purpose by pointing your attention somewhere different. You can have control of this. You can have control. I tell my students all the time, if you're not living your life by design, you're living it by default. Your default system and your default brain wants you to go back to these like bad thoughts. But living by design is taking control and saying, I can switch this. I can retrain this.
And when there's days of things you can't think of anything that you've done well, that's probably the most important days to actually do it. Because those are the days when you deflect the deficient loop is the loudest, and that's exactly when it needs a little push back. Now there's a method that I learned from ⁓ one of the first business online mentors I've ever had. When I shut down my gym, I went directly online. And this is before being online was actually a cool thing. And what I love so much about her, she didn't just teach us business and...
She taught us about life and retraining the brain because if you've done business, you know that business is like literally pretty much a personal development journey in itself. So she went through this for me. I think it was really helpful and I think, I actually think I'm gonna bring my whiteboard out here so we can walk through it together. But there's something called the CTFAR method and I wanna walk through it with you.
Side note, I can't remember in my show notes that I actually put who wrote this. I did not come up with this, okay? I wanna give credit where credit's due. So try this methodology. You can do this in your journal and it really helps. And this is for people who are super action oriented like me, right? I wanna actually see something on paper, right? Because I'm one of those people that I journal every single day. And also I feel like sometimes people get stuck when they try and think their way through this. Like you can't sometimes think your way through it. You gotta like say it out loud, be weird in your car, or write it out down like this.
So this is called the CTFAR method. So C-T-F-A-R. Hopefully you can see this. We don't know. Yes, okay, perfect. CTFAR method. The C, and I'm not gonna spell it out just yet, so I wanna show you side to side what we're gonna do. The C stands for circumstance. The T stands for thought. The F stands for feeling. The A stands for action. And the R.
stance or result. I'll hear you, I do have it on my notes. It was created by Brooke Castillo, who founded this Life's Coach School. And it's rooted in cognitive behavior therapy. So there's real research behind why this actually works. And I want to give her credit. So here's how this works, okay? You're gonna write it out twice, side by side, okay? So I'm gonna show you. This is like what I would do on my paper. Like I have it here. And then I'll make a line so we can see it.
you're gonna write it again on the other side.
See that? C-T-F-A-R. And what you're gonna do is for the circumstance, you're gonna write the same circumstance on both sides because we are gonna be rewiring a singular thought, okay? A singular thought. So I'm gonna give you an actual example so you can run through the reframe on this, okay? I'm gonna do it for pull-ups because I have a community of women who are getting their first pull-up. If you ever wanna, Pull-up Revolution, if you ever wanna get your first pull-up, that's the name of our program, we've it forever.
I see this a lot. let's do, someone in the group got there, pull up faster than me is the circumstance. So pull up.
faster. So circumstances that you're trying to rewire is that somebody got their pull up faster than you. I've also done this for money a lot, like circumstance like a money situation, like feeling weird financially, whatever it might be, and whatever that is. So same exact circumstance here. Now we're going to go into what is happening on this like negative loop here, okay? So the thought that keeps going through your head about the pull up, right?
Maybe the thought is, my goodness, what is wrong with me? She is so much better than I.
What is, she's so much better than me. I don't, yeah, the thought is like what is wrong with me?
I also want to say when you're writing out your thoughts, have no judgements on yourself. Sometimes your thoughts are freaking crazy. Sometimes your thoughts are just out there. You're like, am I crazy? I write it down, and you're like, this is crazy. Then write out with the genuine feelings of what emotions are coming up with this. If you have trouble figuring out what your emotions are, a great thing to do is get a feelings wheel. You can Google it. But it will go through. Sometimes I'm like, don't actually know what I feel. for example, lot of women for this would feel like they were jealous. They would feel like they're embarrassed.
and they feel like they're discouraged.
Okay, so whatever it is that you feel. And what is the action that happens because you're having these thoughts? Again, like I said, a lot of people, like they have this like paralysis, right? So maybe they pull back.
maybe they stop practicing.
Or maybe they avoid the community.
Maybe they just scroll more, right? You're just sitting there scrolling and thinking about how bad you suck. And then what is the result of that? The true result, because this is all happening for you. And maybe it's that you have less progress. I'm sorry, you probably can't read this. If you're watching the video for this. Which now feels like this proof that I can't do this. The result is I am not seeing progress and I'm not moving as quickly as I Now I can't do this, now I suck. So I want you to, yeah, this is the negative side.
This is the negative, this is the thought that's coming in. This is like the spiral happening here. Okay, now to do the other side. You're gonna shift everything. And again, I think saying it out loud, writing it out is more important than just just doing it in your head. So thought, what if you were to shift that thought? What is the opposite of this thought you're having now? How can we retrain our brain to create these new neurons, like actually get us to do this whole red car syndrome, Syndrome, whatever you wanna call it. Okay, maybe the thought is instead of, know, what's wrong with me, maybe it's if she can do it, I can do it too.
I can too. Maybe if you're doing money, maybe the thought is like, I'm just horrible at money and I suck with it, I'm always gonna be broke or something. And then maybe on the other side, it's like, maybe the thought needs to, the reframe just needs to be, I'm just learning about money. I need to, like, the thought needs, you know what, I didn't, maybe the thought needs to be, you know what, I didn't learn about money when I got, when I was younger. So I'm gonna start to learn more about it now and that maybe you can shift that thought in that sense. Feeling, instead of being jealous, you're gonna be more curious, you know?
Maybe you're gonna be hopeful because she did it, I can do it too. Maybe motivated.
You know, switch into that state here and action. How can I, action here, instead of pulling back, instead of being paralyzed and not doing anything and scrolling, maybe your action is you start, you stay consistent.
Maybe you start asking questions.
and you show up.
Sometimes it's really helpful too if someone's ahead of you in getting something that you want to get. If they're accessible, ask them, hey, what did you do to do this? They might, again, then tell you the whole entire chapter of their stories of where they've been, and you're like, shit. They've been doing a lot. And then R, what is the, where are we at? We're at action, here. And then R, what is the result? You're going to have more progress. You're going eventually get the pull up.
Maybe the result is you have a little more fun doing it than being like so mad at yourself all the time. So again, you can see it side by side and why this doesn't seem like much and I don't want you to think that like you do this once and like everything changes. It's rewiring, it's practicing it over over again. And look at this, the circumstance did not change. The only thing that changed was the thought. And everything downstream completely has shifted. Like said, I used to do this with money stuff too. I'd write out the full negative result like.
all the way to catastrophic end. Like the result at some points would be like, I'm gonna be homeless on the street, da da da. And then I would look at that be like, that's so dramatic, Angela. Like, chill out. And there's something about getting out of your head and onto paper that lets you see how the loop actually works. And sometimes that distance alone is enough to just loosen things a little bit.
Like when you read the result on your negative thought and you're like, that's kind of crazy. Like, am I crazy? Like, then you're like, shit, this is dumb. My brain is making me think things that aren't true. And again, don't expect one round of this to fix this. This is something you commit to for like 30 days, maybe longer. Maybe it's the same circumstance every single day until you actually believe the other column. That's okay. This is what retraining takes. And think about this, we just stick together really quickly. It doesn't take that long.
Step four of all this is you gotta stay in the game. The last thing I wanna say is I don't want you to rush past us. This thinking and reframing only matters if you actually do the work, right? Because the thing is, I've watched so many people stop.
This more than anything, like they're totally able, but they're stopping themselves because they're paralyzed. And they're spending so much time watching and comparing and guessing that you're not actually executing anymore. You're paralyzed by the comparison.
and I'm not seeing them move forward. They're like not even in the game anymore. They'll like take themselves out of the game. This whole life thing that we're in right now, life, business, workout, it's a game. You gotta be in the game to play, you gotta play it.
And a lot of people aren't stuck because they can't do the thing. They're stuck because too much of their focus is going towards watching what everyone else is doing and not enough excuses going towards and showing up for their own work.
And realize that your job is not to be perfect at any of this. Your job is just to keep moving, to stay in it, to collect small wins, to stay in the game long enough for the reps to accumulate, because that is generally how it works. The pull-up, the business, the goal, whatever it is, the people who get there are almost always just the ones who did not quit when things got slow, did not quit when these comparison thoughts came in their mind.
I think about this woman Jess, who was in our community for a long time, working towards our first pull-up, and it took her a while. There was women hitting their pull-up faster. And I know she was like, sometimes, but she stayed in it. She kept showing up, and eventually she got it.
It's because she didn't stop.
And that's the whole thing really, comparison doesn't build anything. It's not gonna build anything for you. Is it necessary, does it help you? Yeah, it can fire you up and comparison is good. But the only thing that's gonna move you forward is execution. If you're not executing, you're out, you're out of the game. You're out of the game. And I want you to stay in it
because we can all stay in it. We can all stay in it. I'm no different than you.
So before we wrap this up.
I want to kind go through a little bit of what we covered. Again, comparison can go two ways, towards inspiration or towards your paralysis. Which direction it's pulling you is worth paying attention to.
Reminder, you're never seeing the full picture of someone else's life. The wind you're looking at has a whole story behind it that you don't even know. It's like that iceberg picture, right? There's iceberg at the top of it and then everything below it.
Your brain keeps looking for evidence of whatever thought you're running. So give it something different to look for on purpose. That's where what if it all goes right to started from, right? What if it all goes right? When comparison hits, catch it. Name what you're actually feeling. Let yourself feel it then ask the thought if it's actually helping you or not.
Write three wins every night, even the tiny ones. Retrain, retrain, retrain, retrain. And use the CTFAR method, right, to map out the negative loop. Reframe it side by side on paper and do it daily, physically, so you can see it on paper, okay? Do it every day.
And then make sure that you are continuing to execute. What if you're comparing yourself with, you just need to execute, stay in the game. That is what's actually gonna get you, execution. Not trying, not comparing, doing. So here's what I want you to try this week, just once. The next time you feel comparison come up, instead of scrolling deeper into it or trying to immediately shut it down, just pause and ask yourself, what am I actually feeling right now? Name it, then ask, what would I do if this energy wasn't spent here? And that's it.
You don't have to fix the entire thing at once, And once you do it with one thing, you start to train your brain and we'll start to just do it.
Now, if this episode resonated with you, share it with someone you know is stuck in that spot right now and follow What If It All Goes Right on Apple Podcasts Spotify if you haven't already. And your review goes a long way, genuinely. Because when you stop running someone else's race and start showing up for your own, what if it all goes right? What if it all goes right? I'll see you next time.
